Waterboarding for Fruit

He was brought home by the police, and my father was not amused. Live from the basement, it's building a Better Dave. Check us out@betterdave.com. email us@davetterdave.com or call in your comments. 888-563-3228. Now here's your host, Dave J. Hello, it's Dave. And there's something very strange going on in the neighborhood because it's October as I record this and that is that what's going on with the skeletons in the yard? Like they used to.

You'd have one that would sit in a lounge chair or you'd have a head. And I have neighbors down my street and like somebody had one that was like, I don't know, six foot tall, seven foot tall. These are like 12ft tall skeletons. And I just wonder if this is kind of a midlife crisis thing where you just have to get a bigger one than the guy next to you. I mean, Halloween in itself is such a weird holiday. I had a pastor friend of mine that hated it because it was based on pagan rituals going back to the blah blah. And I'm like, look, man, when I was six, I just know I got to walk around and strangers gave me candy. So I don't really care where it came from.

I just know it ended in free candy. And it's weird now because nobody has sat down and said, not the whole stranger and razor blades in candy, none of that. Nobody just said, hey, should we like pick a day and just feed our children some of the worst food there is? Like, nobody went, you know, Huh, I don't know. It's kind of weird. And so. And I also looked like a bag of candy now is like 15 bucks and then you need two. And that's my problem. This is where I sound like Ebenezer Scrooge.

Bah humbug. Pass out candy. Because I'm pretty sure if I buy a bunch of candy, I'm going to eat it. And I can't eat it if I don't buy it, but so I guess I'm going to get tricked instead of treated. Who knows? But then that, that led me to think of something. I can't remember the last time in the neighborhood that somebody's house got tp. And that used to be kind of a normal thing, especially during the school year, you know, somebody. Football player, somebody.

I remember when I was little, my brother A went out and TP'd somebody and got caught. He was brought home by the police. And my father was not amused And I just remember I got up everybody, because there's, like, yelling in the living room or in the kitchen. And I come walking into the kitchen, and in a very, like, I am not messing around, go to your room kind of thing. And I was like, oh, okay. But, yeah, that did not go over well. And I remember once we got TP'd. So I don't know what my brother did to do that or my sister, who knows? But that's a weird thing.

And I was like, why don't people do that? Well, number one, I'm sure the kids of today are like, oh, it's a waste of paper, which is a waste of trees. And then I thought, also, it's gotta be hard to prank anybody these days with all the ring, you know, the doorbell cameras and stuff like that. You're busted. And so I just was like, halloween is a weird thing. Like, maybe you would put a pumpkin on your porch. And now, I mean, literally, my neighbor down the street does more for Halloween than they do for Christmas. I mean, they've got two pumpkins, they've got a. A ghost dog, all sorts of stuff.

And I'm like, all right, you be you. But even when you were little, I remember going to a thing at my church, and they're like, oh, we're going to do this. And I don't think kids made this up. They're like, and we're going to bob for apples. And looking back then, like, did somebody go, hey, let's combine waterboarding with fruit? Like, because, you know. So here's how this works, kids. We're going to stick your head in a bunch of cold water, and if you're really good and pin one to the bottom, you'll get a piece of fruit. I'm like, you know what? No, I don't remember doing.

I just was like, that's okay. I'll just grab one of these apples with caramel poured all over it on a stick. I don't have to get wet at all. No water porting for me, thank you. And then, of course, they would pump you full of apple cider, which I love apple cider, but if you drink enough of it. Well, welcome to the Runs. The Trots, the Squirts, the Scoots, the Drizzles, Mud Butt, you know, Hershey Squirts, Bubble Guts, the Green Apple. Quick Step, the Two Step, the Backdoor Blowout, Montezuma's Revenge, the Thunder Down Under.

Chocolate Rain. I've never heard of that one. You know, I guess in British they call it the trotsies. He's got the trotsies. But let's pump our kids full of sugar and enough apple cider so that they're running around crazy. And that way they'll have enough energy to go back and forth and back and forth and back and forth and back and forth to the bathroom. It's a really strange thing, but it just dawned on me. Like we would, we would knock on doors and run.

And then the fun part was you had to hide and wait till somebody came to the door. I never did the flaming bag of dog poo. But those are the things, you know, those are the tricks maybe that you would do during Halloween. And I think technology has ruined some good old fashioned fun. Now the only trick, thanks to Jimmy Kimmel, is waking up and telling your kids that you ate all their candy, which was not like fake. In my world, I would often wake up and find out that my father had eaten a large chunk of my candy. I'm sure to save me, you know, But I'm like, what do you mean you ate all the Mr. Good bars? There were only two and they're both gone.

Yeah, that was no fun. So it's. I am again kind of weird about not weird. I just, I don't want to have to deal with it. So I believe it's, it's either this weekend or next weekend where the little ones are coming around and I'm going to make sure to go to a park or a movie or something because I just don't want to have to deal with it. The whole thing is just kind of weird in my book. And you know, Frankenstein, fine, Dracula, the Wolf man, all that kind of stuff. Awesome.

And what's up with the slutty stuff? Like, okay, now that you're, you know, whatever, 14, 16, now you're not just a nurse, right? You're a slutty nurse. You're not just a vampire, you're a slutty vampire. Your slutty Tinkerbell, you know, slutty Daffy Duck. Like, why, why? It just somehow that got taken over as well. I'm slutty cheerleader, I'm slutty librarian. Everything is just like something to push your boobs up to your chin and then call it a costume. Very weird. I don't know when again that came on.

Maybe they're just trying to get more candy. Who knows? But that's another weird trend around Halloween and the fact that it's not even Halloween yet. And I went out and bought a Christmas tree. I Was not a fan of my old Christmas tree. Cause it's one of those where you buy it and you're like, well, that's weird. There's like we're missing like a branch. Or you know, you just have look, you always have to kind of move the lights a little bit, even if it's pre lit. But I was just kind of like, I'm not really looking forward to setting that thing up.

It's kind of a pain. And I went in to buy a four foot, I thought four foot Christmas tree because look, there's, there's no kids here. We're not going to be stuffing tons of presents. The people I do buy presents for my great nieces and nephews, they just want gift cards. And those really don't take up much room under the tree. And I thought a little four foot be nice because I like it. And I went in to buy a four foot tree and ended up walking out with a seven and a half foot tree. That in theory, the demo version was absolutely gorgeous.

I like a lot of lights on my tree. And so hopefully when I put this thing up and that's the whole thing, I got to make sure I have the receipt because I'm not putting it up for another month. And if it's not good, I will be taking it back. But I got home and I look at the price tag, it's hundreds of dollars. And I was like, wait, why did you do this? Like, this was not. Because the other tree worked. It was fine. It got me through, you know, no big deal.

Why did you do this? And I really had to think about it. And I think it's because one of my favorite memories, like top 10 was I had been out playing in the snow, probably riding toboggans down my street because it's a big giant hill, who knows what making snowmen, you know, you're whatever, 9, 10. And I'm absolutely sopped and I'm absolutely freezing. And I remember I came in and stripped down to probably my long underwear, maybe even got some new jammies on. And I sat by the couch, which was right in front of the tree. And there was this big huge like super thick comforter. And I put that on. And if that wasn't enough, my mom brought me some hot chocolate.

And that is, I just remember sitting there like, oh man, it just don't get any better than this. And I don't know if I'm somehow trying to recreate that or what, but when I hear the word safe, my brain goes through the Rolodex in my head. And that's what comes up, that little scenario. I think I've talked about that before on the show, but it is almost holiday time and I've noticed, I don't know why. Maybe it's me getting sentimental. I record a lot more. Building a better Dave in the holidays. If you look over, there's.

There's a bunch about the holidays. Probably because there's always fun filled stories like, you know, waterboarding for fruit. I think that's going to be the title of this episode. So I hope all is well on your side of the glass. And until we meet again, hang in there, it's gonna get better.